The Lowe Down

Blended Families - By Gerard Lowe

A blended family is the result of two people who were in previous relationships, at least one of which produced children, uniting to form a new family. Unfortunately, the opportunity for this new relationship to occur often comes at the cost of a death or divorce. I recall very few blended families that lived in my community when I was growing up. If you are a parent over thirty, how many blended families can you remember from your elementary and high school days? The only blended families I can think results from the loss of a spouse through death. The divorce rates were so low in my school days that I did not know of any new families that blended due to those circumstances. 

Things have certainly changed since I finished school back in the early eighties. Separation and divorce of married couples is a new fact of life for many parents and children. The number of children in my school currently living in blended families is staggering. It can get confusing for teachers trying to figure which house many of their students will be staying at each week. Custody arrangements between parents can have a child at their dad’s house for one week and mom’s the next. This can result children having  two different blended families on a weekly basis. What I find most interesting about the blending of families is that it sometimes results in larger family units than the ones the children were originally born into. Families of two adults and 4-6 children is not uncommon.

Divorce Magazine reported in 1998 that 36% of all Canadian marriages would end in divorce in the next 30 years. It also reported that there were 271,153 widowed males and 1,235,078 widowed females in Canada during 1998. These statistics illustrate that there are a lot of Canadians who are able to remarry and form new family units, many which will feature blending of children who will become step-brothers and step-sisters.

Being in a blended family offers many challenges to both children and parents. The uniting of several different personalities and histories under one roof can be very stressful to all involved. The parents that are currently creating blended families more than likely came from families where the biological parents are still together. Their parent’s generation did not have the high divorce rates we see today. The problems each parent will have to face will be completely new territory and can be quite a task. These problems include:
-  Differences in parenting styles from their spouse  
-  Insecurities about their lack of biological relations with the children
-  Feeling like an outsider from the biological parent and child
-  Failing to bond with the children
- Lack of time to establish a new relationship
- Family jealousy
-  Fear
-  Lack of experience
-  Difficult relations with the spouse's ex
Children of blended families face difficulties that include:
- Failure to bond
- Anxiety
- Resentment
- Wishing biological parents would reunite
- Fear of being disloyal to the other parent
- Insecurity
- Loss of identity in the new family
- Immature behaviors

What can you do if you are a parent or child in a newly blended family that may be struggling with the new relationship? Here are a few suggestions that may help in this situation.
1. Communicate with the children and listen to their concerns. Express your own concerns and try to work together as a family to solve the problems. Weekly meetings to discuss problems and highlight family achievements will help with bonding. If children are old enough, give them the opportunity to assist with decisions such as living accommodations, discipline, rules, etc.
2. Although schedules will be busy, take time in your week to spend quality time with each child. Being in such a busy family can create isolation for the children that are caught in the hustle and bustle. An example of this would be having a “play date” with one of the children where you go somewhere special such as a movie or to the park. It is also important for the adults to get some quality time together without the children to clear their heads.
3. Step-parents need to relax and let the biological parent be more responsible for their own children in the beginning of the relationship. Trying to be the heavy too soon will only lead to conflict. Try to be a friend to the children first and work from there.
4. This experience will not be like the Brady Bunch. Be genuine and you will see results. Give respect to other family members and earn it in return. Patience will win the day.
5. Seek professional help if you feel it is necessary. Do not be afraid to admit that some of the problems may need some outside help.

If you expect everything to go smoothly in the blending of a new family, I wish you luck. The children may not really like you. You may get overwhelmed with the new responsibilities. You may even have days of regret and total stress. You may also encounter the most rewarding experience of your life. The new family unit will most likely act like a biological family and have ups and downs. On the days that you feel like a lemon, make lemonade.
Here are some websites I used to research this article and others that you may find informative.
http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsCAN.shtml
http://www.unt.edu/cpe/module1/blk1.htm
http://www.cyberparent.com/blended-family/linksmid.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm#tips