The Lowe Down

How to Raise a Teenager and Keep Your Sanity - Gerard Lowe

I know, you’re frustrated. Your teenager probably told you to stay out of their room or “let me live my own life”.  The one I like the best is “You’re not the boss of me!”. Yes they are all classic lines from teenagers trying to exert their independence and fly out from under the wings of their “old fogie” parents. They say your music is “lame”, you dress like an “old person” and “do not talk to me when I am out with my friends”. All of a sudden your cuddly little child has turned into a three headed, blood sucking monster called a teenaged. What do you do after you tear out all your gray hair?

I have raised teenagers and an experienced parent/friend of mine told me that “you lose them at thirteen and get them back at nineteen.” I have to say that he was right on the money. You are thinking, “I can’t wait until they are nineteen, I’m hanging onto my last nerve right now”. Sorry to make light of your situation but I am a seasoned veteran and can howl a little. I survived my teenage children and have the wrinkles and grey hair to prove it.

Today’s teens are exposed to so much stimulation in the 21^st century. A great deal of this stimulation come from music videos, television programs and movies. Much of this entertainment involves people using foul language, wearing provocative clothing and defying authority.  You are in stiff competition with a great deal of factors that make cleaning one’s room boring and unrewarding. There are a number of things that you cannot control but here are a few tips about the things you can control to make your household a more peaceful place.

1. Remember that you were a teenager once.

Although you may not have had MSN or the Internet when you were a teenager you probably sought independence when you hit your teen years. Maybe you told your parents that you wanted to stay out later on the weekend or hung with people who drank alcohol and did drugs. What was your mind set at that time? Is your teen so different from you? Take a minute to remember that your teen is probably dealing with peer pressure, coping with the challenges of schooling, and sorting out a whole new world of issues that weren’t issues when they were five years younger and saw you as the center of their universe. Take time to reflect and open the memory banks so that you can have a frame of reference when dealing with teen issues. It would be imperative at this time to educate yourself about teenage issues such as puberty, menstruation, sexuality, drugs, alcohol, etc. Be an informed parent.

2. Be consistent parents.

If you are a one or two parent family, sit down with your children and give them a voice in the setting up of expectations. (i.e. curfew, computer time, homework time, etc.). No matter what rules are agreed upon, the adults must agree that no decisions regarding these rules are made without the input of the second parent. If teens see weakness they will divide and conquer. It is not unusual for one parent to ground a child and the other parent to bend the rules and create a divisive atmosphere. Once you have decided on expectations for your child, sit with them to get their views and input. A teen that has input into their rules or expectations is more likely to follow them. Be open to compromise. When your teen breaks a rule, as a parent you can say to them that they had a voice in the making of the rules and also the desired punishment for breaking expectations. Being a part of the family decision making will make the teen feel as if what they say matters.

3. Never take away the love and support.

When parents speak of disciplining their children I often hear them say ““I took away their computer time””, or ““They are not allowed to go to the dance on Friday night””. Taking away privileges is a common form of punishment and can sometimes be effective. Unfortunately, parents often withdraw their love and affection when they are upset with their children. Along with punishment, teens are isolated from the love of their parents when they need it the most. Perhaps a better approach in the future will be to tell your teen why you are disappointed in their actions, describe what the consequences will be (you and your teen should have already agreed on these)and  inform them that despite this incident, you love them very much but feel it is necessary to carry out this action. It would be appropriate to show your child that they are loved at this tough time.

4. Talk to your child.

Early in their lives open lines of communication so that they know you are someone they can talk to when they need and ear. Don’t expect to have your teen talk to you about their issues if you have never taken the time to discuss what is important to them before they hit puberty. Take the time early in their lives to build a partnership. At times you may want to share your own issues with them and get their input. This opens the door to trust and lets them know that what they have to say is important. Today’s teen is exposed to so much more information and temptation than we were at their age. Their mind is constantly being stimulated and loaded with facts and figures way beyond what were could imagine when we were teens. Take the time to hear what they have to say. Take an interest in your teen and they will return in kind.

Parenting a teen is hard work. Good parenting is the best remedy to raising a successful, respectful child. There will be times that your child will do things that will completely blow your mind and make you wonder what you did wrong. More than likely you did nothing wrong and your teen made a bad choice. It is when they make these poor choices that you have to be a diligent, patient, loving parent.